Obsessed

ringNext week, we will celebrate our three year anniversary.  Over the past year or so, I’ve thought a lot about marriage from time-to-time.  We’ve had some rough spots during our relationship–some REALLY rough spots.  But, mostly, we’ve been sharing a wonderful life together.

We’ve talked about marriage, but we seem to have differening views.  I’m for it, where he isn’t quite as sure.  Sometimes I think it’s mostly because our financial situation could be better, other times, I just don’t know.

If it is only finances holding him back, I don’t think it should.  Here are my reasons:

  • I don’t want/need a big, expensive ring
  • My ideal ceremony would take place on the beach, with our parents, our kids, and our closest friends (ie:  no major cost involved there that I can see).  The simpler the better as far as I’m concerned.  The point of it is us, not impressing anyone, having a big party, or fancy food.  Pledging our love to each other, with the people we care about around us, in the most beautiful place on earth=perfection.
  • A reception?  Yes, I’d like one of those, but, again, nothing wild and crazy.  Hell, a barbecue in our backyard sounds like fun to me!  Casual, relaxed, spending time with the people who really matter to us…what could be better??
  • As for a honeymoon, maybe someday.  Sure it would be nice to take a trip and get away from it all for a while.  But, who says it has to be right now?  I’m happy being with him, no matter where we are!
  • We live together, so nothing would really change afterward either.  In fact, it may improve our tax situation!  LOL!

I love him with all my heart and soul, and I love our life together.  Being married won’t change that.  Why am I so obsessed with the idea lately?  Am I just old-fashioned, and believe that’s the next logical step?

I’ve told him all of this at one time or another.  But, I try not to dwell on it because I feel like I’d be trying to convince him, or talk him into it, and I don’t want that.  As I said to him the last time we discussed marriage, I also wouldn’t want him to propose just to try to make me happy either.  We both deserve better than that.

I’ve been divorced since May of last year, not that that matters to me, but maybe it does to him?  In all honesty though, I was not married to my ex, in any sense but legally, for much longer than that.

I was hoping by writing this it would purge my mind of this freaking obsession, but, so far, that hasn’t happened.  *sigh*

The Familiar Dread

Three hours until I have to get ready to go to work.  The anxiety has already begun.  I shouldn’t need to take a Xanax in order to get myself to work.  There’s definitely something wrong with this…

“What is the big, freaking deal?” I ask myself.

  • The snotty, 20-something manager who has an attitude that I’d often like to shove up her ass?
  • The rude, sometimes obnoxious, customers?
  • The crappy hours?
  • The fact that I usually have to walk (about one mile each way) to and from the place I don’t wanna go anyway?
  • Knowing that I’ll be in pain when I get home tonight?  And then again when I wake up in the morning?
  • And I’ll get to do it all over again tomorrow?

Unfortunately, I can’t pinpoint one, exact reason this job makes me so damned miserable.  If I could, maybe something could be done.  But, as the list of negatives grows, my hope of improving things enough to hang in there decreases.

I’ve continued looking for another job, sending out resumes, etc.  And, I had been hoping that already having a job would make it easier to find another one.  Silly me!  So far, most of what I’ve seen wouldn’t be any better than the one I’ve already got.

Only two hours and 40 minutes to go now…

Depression is a Bitch. And I Don’t Like Her!

Main Entry:
de·pres·sion Listen to the pronunciation of depression
Pronunciation: \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\
Function: noun
Date:  14th century
1 a: the angular distance of a celestial object below the horizon
b: the size of an angle of depression
2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b
(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection
(2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
(1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force
(2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity 3: a depressed place or part : hollow4: low
1b5: a period of low general economic activity marked especially by rising levels of unemployment
At least I’m not suffering from the last one anymore.

Random Rants

Need to vent, and, since this is my ‘ranting blog’, here goes…

First, the job is killing me.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how much more my back can take.  I left work early on Friday because of the pain; Saturday and Sunday night, I popped two Motrin every two hours, just to try to keep the pain at a bearable level (didn’t really work, but I hung in there anyway).  Not only is it pure hell being in pain for eight hours (then several more hours after), I worry what damage I’m doing by ignoring the pain.

But, I need the job because I need the money.  Nothing better on the horizon just yet.  So, I have no option but to deal with it as best I can.

Second, I feel like my chance to go to school is slipping through my fingers again.  So many things to take care of, and I’m afraid I don’t have enough time.  I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea.  Maybe I’m just not meant to go to college…

Third, I am missing something in my life.  Something very important and precious to me.  Most of the time, it’s right there in front of me, but just out of reach.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I have suspicions and fears of the reason(s), but I guess I’m more fearful of having them confirmed than asking why.  It hurts.  It’s seriously fucking with my self-esteem.  I’m a coward.

Hate to Complain, BUT…

Two weeks ago, I finally got a job, after seven long months without a paycheck.  To put it mildly, I was thrilled!

Well, two weeks later, I’m back to feeling frustrated and depressed–and it’s because of the job.

The money is ok, and God knows I need all I can get!  However, the drama and just pure bullshit that seem to go along with this position are already wearing on me–heavily.

It’s 1:15 p.m.  I have to be at work at 3.  I feel anxious and very down.  NOT a good combination.  Especially after only two weeks!

The first problem was “Gnatalie”.  She just got a mini-promotion and thinks she’s been crowned “The Queen”.  Whatever.  She’ll get over it eventually.  Maybe even without my help!  ;-)

I’ve been working mostly eight and nine hour shifts.  Often, without the full break I’m entitled to (as per company policy).

The schedule runs from Monday to Sunday.  The manager posts the schedule on Friday night.  (Even as a previous manager, I find that a bit ridiculous and quite unfair to the employees.)

I was scheduled for two days this week.  Monday and Tuesday.  Yesterday, I heard a comment that made it sound like this could change.  When?  Why?  Is anyone going to let me in on this?  I could definitely use more hours.  However, I do have a problem if they believe they can change my schedule at any time.  I am an employee, but that does not mean that they own me.

I’m starting school in September–hopefully full-time–so I had thought that this job would be a simple part-time job that would earn me a little money until I graduate.  Quite frankly, unless things improve dramatically, I don’t know if I can handle the stress of both!

Wish me luck that I make it through another day…

Before He Cheats

He should listen to this song…

Before He Cheats–The Lyrics

Right now he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she’s probably getting frisky…
right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t shoot whiskey…

Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo…

And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Right now, she’s probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she’s probably saying “I’m drunk”
and he’s a thinking that he’s gonna get lucky,
Right now, he’s probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats…

Oh, you know it won’t be on me!

Ohh… not on me…
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Ohh.. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Ohh… before he cheats…

Signed,
The Girlfriend/Wife

What Happens When…

…flirting crosses the line and becomes an invitation?

And who gets to judge just where that line is?   Should it be the person ‘having fun’, or the person who ends up hurt?

In this scenario, what does the person who is screwing around feel for the person they are supposed to love?

Certainly not respect.   Love?  Who knows…

False Alarm Part II

Just as an update, “Aunt Flo” showed up within hours of me taking the damned pregnancy test.  (Wasted money pisses me off!)

However, I’m still wondering what is going on…

  • my period is never late, but was 4 days late this month
  •  it finally arrived right after I took the home pregnancy test
  • I typically have a 4-day cycle.  Three days in, it has stopped, twice so far
  • I’ve still been feeling nauseous off and on
  • I’m still way more tired than usual

Should I take that second test?  Or is something else making my body act so damn wacky??

False Alarm

My body runs like clockwork–I am never late. This month though, I was four days late! I was sure I was preggo.

I had some mixed feelings over that concept. If I were planning to have a baby, this certainly wouldn’t be the time I’d choose. However, I also believe that things happen as they are meant to, so if I was pregnant, it was meant to be.

Took the test last night, and this was the result we got…
Negative Pregnancy Test

I was very disappointed.

Apparently four days is long enough to begin to imagine your life changing–and liking the idea–a lot. To overlook (at least temporarily) the fears and doubts of becoming a mother again at the age of 40. And to start dreaming of holding that little bundle in your arms…soothing him or her when they cry…seeing the first smile, the first step… *sigh*

What’s meant to be will be…

Updated Big Bang List

This is a very cool idea from Mel at Monday Morning Power. I originally posted this here, and now I’m updating because the list has g-r-o-w-n!

*Start Copy Here*

You do not have to be tagged to play along. This game is simple and so are the rules.

1. Copy from *Start Copy Here* through *End Copy*
2. Add your site(s) to the list. Just be sure to post at each site you add.
3. Tag or don’t tag, your choice, however, the more tags you create the bigger the list will grow.
4. Let me know your blog’s name and url by leaving me a comment HERE. I will add you to the master list. (If you would like a scroll box code, leave me your email address and I will email it to you.)
5. Come back and copy the master list back to your site often. This process will allow late-comers to get as much link benefit as the first ones in. Once you are on the master list people who have participated earlier will update their bookmarks and help everyone lower than them out on the list.

Note: In order to be included on this master list you need to first post the “Big Bang” on the site(s) that you want included. Add your site at the end of the list. Then leave me a comment that you have done so.

Also, I encourage everyone who is on this list to double check the link and make sure it correctly points back to your site. If there are any issues please let me know and I will immediately make the correction.

*End Copy Here*

(Don’t forget to include the links in the scroll box below!)

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