Archive for Life

Depression is a Bitch. And I Don’t Like Her!

Main Entry:
de·pres·sion Listen to the pronunciation of depression
Pronunciation: \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\
Function: noun
Date:  14th century
1 a: the angular distance of a celestial object below the horizon
b: the size of an angle of depression
2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b
(1): a state of feeling sad : dejection
(2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
(1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force
(2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity 3: a depressed place or part : hollow4: low
1b5: a period of low general economic activity marked especially by rising levels of unemployment
At least I’m not suffering from the last one anymore.
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Random Rants

Need to vent, and, since this is my ‘ranting blog’, here goes…

First, the job is killing me.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how much more my back can take.  I left work early on Friday because of the pain; Saturday and Sunday night, I popped two Motrin every two hours, just to try to keep the pain at a bearable level (didn’t really work, but I hung in there anyway).  Not only is it pure hell being in pain for eight hours (then several more hours after), I worry what damage I’m doing by ignoring the pain.

But, I need the job because I need the money.  Nothing better on the horizon just yet.  So, I have no option but to deal with it as best I can.

Second, I feel like my chance to go to school is slipping through my fingers again.  So many things to take care of, and I’m afraid I don’t have enough time.  I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea.  Maybe I’m just not meant to go to college…

Third, I am missing something in my life.  Something very important and precious to me.  Most of the time, it’s right there in front of me, but just out of reach.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I have suspicions and fears of the reason(s), but I guess I’m more fearful of having them confirmed than asking why.  It hurts.  It’s seriously fucking with my self-esteem.  I’m a coward.

Before He Cheats

He should listen to this song…

Before He Cheats–The Lyrics

Right now he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she’s probably getting frisky…
right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t shoot whiskey…

Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo…

And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Right now, she’s probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she’s probably saying “I’m drunk”
and he’s a thinking that he’s gonna get lucky,
Right now, he’s probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats…

Oh, you know it won’t be on me!

Ohh… not on me…
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Ohh.. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Ohh… before he cheats…

Signed,
The Girlfriend/Wife

What Happens When…

…flirting crosses the line and becomes an invitation?

And who gets to judge just where that line is?   Should it be the person ‘having fun’, or the person who ends up hurt?

In this scenario, what does the person who is screwing around feel for the person they are supposed to love?

Certainly not respect.   Love?  Who knows…

False Alarm Part II

Just as an update, “Aunt Flo” showed up within hours of me taking the damned pregnancy test.  (Wasted money pisses me off!)

However, I’m still wondering what is going on…

  • my period is never late, but was 4 days late this month
  •  it finally arrived right after I took the home pregnancy test
  • I typically have a 4-day cycle.  Three days in, it has stopped, twice so far
  • I’ve still been feeling nauseous off and on
  • I’m still way more tired than usual

Should I take that second test?  Or is something else making my body act so damn wacky??

False Alarm

My body runs like clockwork–I am never late. This month though, I was four days late! I was sure I was preggo.

I had some mixed feelings over that concept. If I were planning to have a baby, this certainly wouldn’t be the time I’d choose. However, I also believe that things happen as they are meant to, so if I was pregnant, it was meant to be.

Took the test last night, and this was the result we got…
Negative Pregnancy Test

I was very disappointed.

Apparently four days is long enough to begin to imagine your life changing–and liking the idea–a lot. To overlook (at least temporarily) the fears and doubts of becoming a mother again at the age of 40. And to start dreaming of holding that little bundle in your arms…soothing him or her when they cry…seeing the first smile, the first step… *sigh*

What’s meant to be will be…

Alone

Have you ever felt alone?  Really alone?  When there is someone right in the next room?

That’s the way I feel today.

Feeling Kind of Down

I need a job.  One that pays money.  Every week.  I’m sick of not being able to do anything, go anywhere or even buy myself the most basic things.  Having a car would help tremendously in the job search, but I can’t afford to buy a car until I have a job.

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, sometimes talks about moving out of the state, or even out of the country.  What he doesn’t seem to talk about is how I fit into those plans, and he doesn’t ask how I’d feel about moving to one of these places.  Maybe that, in itself, is all that needs to be said (or  unsaid).  In either case, when he mentions the moving issue and leaves me out of it, I feel exactly that:  left out.  Hurt.  Not sure if he really wants me in his life.  Scared.  Really hurt.