Archive for Vent

Obsessed

ringNext week, we will celebrate our three year anniversary.  Over the past year or so, I’ve thought a lot about marriage from time-to-time.  We’ve had some rough spots during our relationship–some REALLY rough spots.  But, mostly, we’ve been sharing a wonderful life together.

We’ve talked about marriage, but we seem to have differening views.  I’m for it, where he isn’t quite as sure.  Sometimes I think it’s mostly because our financial situation could be better, other times, I just don’t know.

If it is only finances holding him back, I don’t think it should.  Here are my reasons:

  • I don’t want/need a big, expensive ring
  • My ideal ceremony would take place on the beach, with our parents, our kids, and our closest friends (ie:  no major cost involved there that I can see).  The simpler the better as far as I’m concerned.  The point of it is us, not impressing anyone, having a big party, or fancy food.  Pledging our love to each other, with the people we care about around us, in the most beautiful place on earth=perfection.
  • A reception?  Yes, I’d like one of those, but, again, nothing wild and crazy.  Hell, a barbecue in our backyard sounds like fun to me!  Casual, relaxed, spending time with the people who really matter to us…what could be better??
  • As for a honeymoon, maybe someday.  Sure it would be nice to take a trip and get away from it all for a while.  But, who says it has to be right now?  I’m happy being with him, no matter where we are!
  • We live together, so nothing would really change afterward either.  In fact, it may improve our tax situation!  LOL!

I love him with all my heart and soul, and I love our life together.  Being married won’t change that.  Why am I so obsessed with the idea lately?  Am I just old-fashioned, and believe that’s the next logical step?

I’ve told him all of this at one time or another.  But, I try not to dwell on it because I feel like I’d be trying to convince him, or talk him into it, and I don’t want that.  As I said to him the last time we discussed marriage, I also wouldn’t want him to propose just to try to make me happy either.  We both deserve better than that.

I’ve been divorced since May of last year, not that that matters to me, but maybe it does to him?  In all honesty though, I was not married to my ex, in any sense but legally, for much longer than that.

I was hoping by writing this it would purge my mind of this freaking obsession, but, so far, that hasn’t happened.  *sigh*

The Familiar Dread

Three hours until I have to get ready to go to work.  The anxiety has already begun.  I shouldn’t need to take a Xanax in order to get myself to work.  There’s definitely something wrong with this…

“What is the big, freaking deal?” I ask myself.

  • The snotty, 20-something manager who has an attitude that I’d often like to shove up her ass?
  • The rude, sometimes obnoxious, customers?
  • The crappy hours?
  • The fact that I usually have to walk (about one mile each way) to and from the place I don’t wanna go anyway?
  • Knowing that I’ll be in pain when I get home tonight?  And then again when I wake up in the morning?
  • And I’ll get to do it all over again tomorrow?

Unfortunately, I can’t pinpoint one, exact reason this job makes me so damned miserable.  If I could, maybe something could be done.  But, as the list of negatives grows, my hope of improving things enough to hang in there decreases.

I’ve continued looking for another job, sending out resumes, etc.  And, I had been hoping that already having a job would make it easier to find another one.  Silly me!  So far, most of what I’ve seen wouldn’t be any better than the one I’ve already got.

Only two hours and 40 minutes to go now…

Random Rants

Need to vent, and, since this is my ‘ranting blog’, here goes…

First, the job is killing me.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how much more my back can take.  I left work early on Friday because of the pain; Saturday and Sunday night, I popped two Motrin every two hours, just to try to keep the pain at a bearable level (didn’t really work, but I hung in there anyway).  Not only is it pure hell being in pain for eight hours (then several more hours after), I worry what damage I’m doing by ignoring the pain.

But, I need the job because I need the money.  Nothing better on the horizon just yet.  So, I have no option but to deal with it as best I can.

Second, I feel like my chance to go to school is slipping through my fingers again.  So many things to take care of, and I’m afraid I don’t have enough time.  I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea.  Maybe I’m just not meant to go to college…

Third, I am missing something in my life.  Something very important and precious to me.  Most of the time, it’s right there in front of me, but just out of reach.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I have suspicions and fears of the reason(s), but I guess I’m more fearful of having them confirmed than asking why.  It hurts.  It’s seriously fucking with my self-esteem.  I’m a coward.

Before He Cheats

He should listen to this song…

Before He Cheats–The Lyrics

Right now he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she’s probably getting frisky…
right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t shoot whiskey…

Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo…

And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Right now, she’s probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she’s probably saying “I’m drunk”
and he’s a thinking that he’s gonna get lucky,
Right now, he’s probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don’t know…

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats…

Oh, you know it won’t be on me!

Ohh… not on me…
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…

Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Ohh.. Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Ohh… before he cheats…

Signed,
The Girlfriend/Wife

What Happens When…

…flirting crosses the line and becomes an invitation?

And who gets to judge just where that line is?   Should it be the person ‘having fun’, or the person who ends up hurt?

In this scenario, what does the person who is screwing around feel for the person they are supposed to love?

Certainly not respect.   Love?  Who knows…

Alone

Have you ever felt alone?  Really alone?  When there is someone right in the next room?

That’s the way I feel today.

Feeling Kind of Down

I need a job.  One that pays money.  Every week.  I’m sick of not being able to do anything, go anywhere or even buy myself the most basic things.  Having a car would help tremendously in the job search, but I can’t afford to buy a car until I have a job.

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, sometimes talks about moving out of the state, or even out of the country.  What he doesn’t seem to talk about is how I fit into those plans, and he doesn’t ask how I’d feel about moving to one of these places.  Maybe that, in itself, is all that needs to be said (or  unsaid).  In either case, when he mentions the moving issue and leaves me out of it, I feel exactly that:  left out.  Hurt.  Not sure if he really wants me in his life.  Scared.  Really hurt.

STBX Slam Ahead!

My STBX (soon-to-be-ex)–not nearly soon enough!–is being a total ASS!  (You can find some background on this bullshit here, here, here, and, last but not least, here.

He is under the impression that I should leave a 20-year marriage with nothing more than my clothing.  He is SO.  FREAKING. WRONG!

This man verbally and emotionally abused me for years, and I finally found the courage to leave him.  And he’s still trying to dictate how things will go.  I don’t think so! 

I have no problem with him keeping the house (I moved out because he wouldn’t and I had to escape.), and most of the contents in it.  He keeps asking me to sign a quick deed release (think that’s what it’s called) on the house.  And I’m supposed to just do it and walk away from a $100,000+ house with NOTHING?!  Again, I think NOT!

Unfortunately, he’s got one HUGE advantage over me:  He can afford to pay a lawyer, and I cannot.

I really, REALLY want the divorce to be final (and to be FREE of that SOB!), but I just can’t allow him to bully me (yet again) into having it all his way.

Either he doesn’t realize that it’s costing him a lot more to stay married to me than it would be to write a check and get the papers signed, or he’s just THAT freaking stubborn!

I’m going to suggest another settlement offer to him today (and I’m going to point out the fact that it’s costing him money to drag this out), but I won’t hold my breath.

Till next time…

Will it Go Tomorrow?

Tanzanite Ring
I wrote earlier this week about my Perpetual e-Bay Auction. The auction ends tomorrow at 2:00 ET. There are still no bids, but there are three people watching it. Will it finally be sold tomorrow??

See the auction here: One of a Kind Tanzanite Ring!