Posts Tagged ‘job’

The Familiar Dread

Three hours until I have to get ready to go to work.  The anxiety has already begun.  I shouldn’t need to take a Xanax in order to get myself to work.  There’s definitely something wrong with this…

“What is the big, freaking deal?” I ask myself.

  • The snotty, 20-something manager who has an attitude that I’d often like to shove up her ass?
  • The rude, sometimes obnoxious, customers?
  • The crappy hours?
  • The fact that I usually have to walk (about one mile each way) to and from the place I don’t wanna go anyway?
  • Knowing that I’ll be in pain when I get home tonight?  And then again when I wake up in the morning?
  • And I’ll get to do it all over again tomorrow?

Unfortunately, I can’t pinpoint one, exact reason this job makes me so damned miserable.  If I could, maybe something could be done.  But, as the list of negatives grows, my hope of improving things enough to hang in there decreases.

I’ve continued looking for another job, sending out resumes, etc.  And, I had been hoping that already having a job would make it easier to find another one.  Silly me!  So far, most of what I’ve seen wouldn’t be any better than the one I’ve already got.

Only two hours and 40 minutes to go now…

Random Rants

Need to vent, and, since this is my ‘ranting blog’, here goes…

First, the job is killing me.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how much more my back can take.  I left work early on Friday because of the pain; Saturday and Sunday night, I popped two Motrin every two hours, just to try to keep the pain at a bearable level (didn’t really work, but I hung in there anyway).  Not only is it pure hell being in pain for eight hours (then several more hours after), I worry what damage I’m doing by ignoring the pain.

But, I need the job because I need the money.  Nothing better on the horizon just yet.  So, I have no option but to deal with it as best I can.

Second, I feel like my chance to go to school is slipping through my fingers again.  So many things to take care of, and I’m afraid I don’t have enough time.  I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea.  Maybe I’m just not meant to go to college…

Third, I am missing something in my life.  Something very important and precious to me.  Most of the time, it’s right there in front of me, but just out of reach.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I have suspicions and fears of the reason(s), but I guess I’m more fearful of having them confirmed than asking why.  It hurts.  It’s seriously fucking with my self-esteem.  I’m a coward.

Hate to Complain, BUT…

Two weeks ago, I finally got a job, after seven long months without a paycheck.  To put it mildly, I was thrilled!

Well, two weeks later, I’m back to feeling frustrated and depressed–and it’s because of the job.

The money is ok, and God knows I need all I can get!  However, the drama and just pure bullshit that seem to go along with this position are already wearing on me–heavily.

It’s 1:15 p.m.  I have to be at work at 3.  I feel anxious and very down.  NOT a good combination.  Especially after only two weeks!

The first problem was “Gnatalie”.  She just got a mini-promotion and thinks she’s been crowned “The Queen”.  Whatever.  She’ll get over it eventually.  Maybe even without my help!  😉

I’ve been working mostly eight and nine hour shifts.  Often, without the full break I’m entitled to (as per company policy).

The schedule runs from Monday to Sunday.  The manager posts the schedule on Friday night.  (Even as a previous manager, I find that a bit ridiculous and quite unfair to the employees.)

I was scheduled for two days this week.  Monday and Tuesday.  Yesterday, I heard a comment that made it sound like this could change.  When?  Why?  Is anyone going to let me in on this?  I could definitely use more hours.  However, I do have a problem if they believe they can change my schedule at any time.  I am an employee, but that does not mean that they own me.

I’m starting school in September–hopefully full-time–so I had thought that this job would be a simple part-time job that would earn me a little money until I graduate.  Quite frankly, unless things improve dramatically, I don’t know if I can handle the stress of both!

Wish me luck that I make it through another day…

Feeling Kind of Down

I need a job.  One that pays money.  Every week.  I’m sick of not being able to do anything, go anywhere or even buy myself the most basic things.  Having a car would help tremendously in the job search, but I can’t afford to buy a car until I have a job.

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, sometimes talks about moving out of the state, or even out of the country.  What he doesn’t seem to talk about is how I fit into those plans, and he doesn’t ask how I’d feel about moving to one of these places.  Maybe that, in itself, is all that needs to be said (or  unsaid).  In either case, when he mentions the moving issue and leaves me out of it, I feel exactly that:  left out.  Hurt.  Not sure if he really wants me in his life.  Scared.  Really hurt.