Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Random Rants

Need to vent, and, since this is my ‘ranting blog’, here goes…

First, the job is killing me.  Seriously.  I’m not sure how much more my back can take.  I left work early on Friday because of the pain; Saturday and Sunday night, I popped two Motrin every two hours, just to try to keep the pain at a bearable level (didn’t really work, but I hung in there anyway).  Not only is it pure hell being in pain for eight hours (then several more hours after), I worry what damage I’m doing by ignoring the pain.

But, I need the job because I need the money.  Nothing better on the horizon just yet.  So, I have no option but to deal with it as best I can.

Second, I feel like my chance to go to school is slipping through my fingers again.  So many things to take care of, and I’m afraid I don’t have enough time.  I’m about ready to give up on the whole idea.  Maybe I’m just not meant to go to college…

Third, I am missing something in my life.  Something very important and precious to me.  Most of the time, it’s right there in front of me, but just out of reach.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I have suspicions and fears of the reason(s), but I guess I’m more fearful of having them confirmed than asking why.  It hurts.  It’s seriously fucking with my self-esteem.  I’m a coward.

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False Alarm

My body runs like clockwork–I am never late. This month though, I was four days late! I was sure I was preggo.

I had some mixed feelings over that concept. If I were planning to have a baby, this certainly wouldn’t be the time I’d choose. However, I also believe that things happen as they are meant to, so if I was pregnant, it was meant to be.

Took the test last night, and this was the result we got…
Negative Pregnancy Test

I was very disappointed.

Apparently four days is long enough to begin to imagine your life changing–and liking the idea–a lot. To overlook (at least temporarily) the fears and doubts of becoming a mother again at the age of 40. And to start dreaming of holding that little bundle in your arms…soothing him or her when they cry…seeing the first smile, the first step… *sigh*

What’s meant to be will be…

Feeling Kind of Down

I need a job.  One that pays money.  Every week.  I’m sick of not being able to do anything, go anywhere or even buy myself the most basic things.  Having a car would help tremendously in the job search, but I can’t afford to buy a car until I have a job.

My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, sometimes talks about moving out of the state, or even out of the country.  What he doesn’t seem to talk about is how I fit into those plans, and he doesn’t ask how I’d feel about moving to one of these places.  Maybe that, in itself, is all that needs to be said (or  unsaid).  In either case, when he mentions the moving issue and leaves me out of it, I feel exactly that:  left out.  Hurt.  Not sure if he really wants me in his life.  Scared.  Really hurt.